For the past few days it's been feeling really heavy, and I've felt like vomiting because of it. I've gone back to closing myself in my room after being just fine out in the living room, because when I sit out there I feel agitated and like I'm gonna snap. I've been feeling like crying, last night I got a little bit out, it made me feel better. I fear if I do it now I'll continue to feel like shit. I'm fighting VERY hard to feel just fine.

Yesterday it hurt to breathe whenever I stepped outside, but when I went somewhere cool I felt just fine. I fear this weather and humidity may be too much on my lungs.

I'm getting desperate to have a job, I'm about ready to walk over to the Blockbuster by my apartment and bug the hell out of them until they say sure. I desperately want to get out of this place more often, I feel restless and unused. There's a manager out there who could use an employee like myself, just dying to get work done. The lack of productive things to do depresses me.

I am pushing to be able to drive to widen my options, but this is such a hard thing to do. My mom simply doesn't have the money and since I don't have a job... it's hard to pay for a license and whatnot. If I could just bag this job I'd pay for that stuff. I'd feel a bit lighter being able to work and help my mom with gas and things along the line.

I cannot believe how heavy I feel, but I am trying my hardest to make it better. I pray to God for help and try thinking positive thoughts, for I'm terrified of what'll happen if things don't improve. I'm now holding back from just screaming and begging Him to help me, 'cause that'll probably make me look insane to my sister. :P

I'm going to do my best to relax myself this weekend and trail away from those thoughts. But God please help me.

Apparently tonight is an emotional night for me. :P I cried and cursed because I didn't get to talk to a certain someone even though I know it's getting closer to due date and I should be fine. I did call up Veridian and had a good chat with him to help me feel better, though, and that was a good convo.

The emo boy I hang out with got me a couple flowers, though one of them generally died in the bag. The little purple flowers were really pretty, I liked the lavender shade with a deeper purple inside. That's what got killed, I'm really bummed about it. Then he gave me a little not bloomed rose, don't wanna call it a bud 'cause it's not a bebeh. It's really pretty either way.

It's at least a good thing he knows and respects that I'm taken, I've said "my boyfriend..." quite a few times to be sure. He doesn't make any moves, so it's all good.

Oh yeah... back on the emotional bit. I gained a new online friend, see? I just met him like....... o.o yesterday? He helped me get hooked on Second Life, yeh? Bad thing to do. But anyway, he helps me out and becomes a really cute friend all this stuff, and then he tells me he learned today that he has cancer. I honestly don't know the dude's age or even his real name, but I cried for him. Seriously though, if it was anyone online (Or even possibly in person) I'd be like "Awwww dude that sucks" and all that shit, but for this one the tears just started coming out. It makes me wonder if this is a friend that'll actually get close to me like a brother.

And it feels like I'm getting sick. You don't know how pissed I will be if I get sick. I'm drinkin' up the OJ 'cause I don't wanna get sick. D:< I don't even like this drink. I had it a couple times during my visit in Colorado just to drink something flavored. But while I lived there I had it maybe once or twice after a long period of skipping out on it... But I keep praying to God that I don't get sick. x.x My throat feels like it wants to feel funky so I'm trying to avoid it. Well no it feels fine I guess, but still...

*Flops over and sighs* I just cannot wait for Friday, and I cannot wait for the time after that. Can't wait to see my grandparents, either, I really intend to spend a lot of time with them. =) I think they're gonna be out here for like two weeks or something... I feel like I want to spend every day (like afternoon, since they'd probably send me back at like 6) with them, 'cause at this point in life who knows when I'd see them next.

I'm getting tired. =D I'm gonna watch some Chobits and get to bed.

I've got love for Snow Patrol, alright? I've said this before, but I must say it again. They make such beautiful music. Many times when I listen to these songs (Particularly Chasing Cars) I feel like going to some relaxing spot in the mountains to lay in the grass, extra nice if it was a warm day with a soft breeze to make sure you're kept cool. A day where you are able to just be and not care about the world and its troubles. One day I'd like to be able to do that, I want to be able to be away from home and away from life. I feel at peace when I'm in the mountains.



I think after a day of that I'd be very calm or very energetic, but have such a loving attitude either way.

I just decided to start listening to the lyrics of this song, and it's become as powerful to me as many of the other songs. It's that along with his wonderful voice and the music behind it that's currently got strong hold on my attention. I am thankful I was given the chance to watch and listen to them before my eyes and play these awesome songs.



I've been feeling restless and fighting off stress these past few days, and this managed to be something that helped. I can survive throughout this, but it's just such a strain. My heart always feels like I cannot amount to anything and I will not be loved in the end, I'm desperate to avoid this since there's so much time to go, so I'm really giving it my best in this battle.

Yep! Today after a few days of not playing the game I went ahead and finished it up. It took around 3 minutes this time, the first time I had major issues. @.@ I'm awfully pleased, though. =) That has to be one of the coolest games I've ever played. It ranks up there with Klonoa 2, Megaman X4, Silent Hill2+4, NiGHTS and.... let's throw in Sonic 2 'cause after I beat that it became a hella cool game. I think out of all the games I have those are the ones I like best. Well, of course, I really enjoy my Pokemon games, too... except Mystery Dungeon, fuck that shit. (Watch I'mma start playing it again and then beat it.)

Ooooh, I have to finish Okami. I'm thinking I'm almost done with it. That game is a real time consumer, you have to have time to sit down and play it. It's not a short game, it deceives you. You defeat the last boss and are like "LOL I WON" but nope, more shit starts happenin' and you got more crap to do. It's honestly not difficult in the smallest bit, you just gotta know where to go. ]: With the fact that I allow Gamefaqs to help me I get through it a bit quicker.... without that site I'd be wandering aimlessly. Like I do with SH4. But I like Waka and Oki, they make the game very fun. =D I recommend all that can appreciate Japanese art-like gaming with animal gods running about to really get into this game. I'm going to restart it when I'm finished just so it can be done properly.

*Ranting now 'cause there's not much to do.*

I've started up the anime Chobits. Right now there's no honest opinion 'cause I'm only about ready to start up episode 4 (But fuck.... already saw chicks in corsets.). I aim to start up another anime that's called something like.... Hale + Guu. Only watched one episode of that, not much opinion yet other than it's certainly a bizarre one... cute, but bizarre. :P Plus there's also a Japanese show called Absolute Boyfriend I want to watch more of. It's so.... strange in the sense of it's almost trying to be a shoujo without the spazzing, but it's really interesting. If there's only one episode of this so far I will be sad.

I played some softball today, too. :D It was nice getting out to get some real fresh air, especially since all that running around didn't effect my asthma at all. I actually did a lot better than last week, but for some reason I just have major issues with hitting the ball. I was never bad at this sort of game before so I don't know wtf could be up. My sister kept urging me to join the team, she doesn't accept my decline and probably won't until I can give her a excusable reason as to why. She knows the reason why I don't want to fully join the team (Which goes on until July) but apparently doesn't find it to be good enough. If I added more of the reason then she'd lecture me on junk.

I did a little bit of cleaning today, too. ): Nothing too spectacular. There were some blankets and clothes that needed to be folded and hung up, pictures to be put up, organizing and cleaning up the bedroom floor, plus organizing the clutter of my mom's dresser (Which she was thankful for... unfortunately the place is gonna be ruined by tomorrow evening.) It all too abouuuuuuuuuut an hour, with a couple phone calls butting in. I really honestly thought I was a slow cleaner since that's what people say, but I guess I'm quicker than I thought. :\ But I'd rather be slow because then it gives me more to do.

Also supposed to be hanging out with an emo kid tomorrow... I don't know for sure if I want to or not, though.

I don't know if I'm making progress in life or not. I went to church last night and made friends with an emo kid who's in denial about himself. I actually plan on hanging out with him until one of us gets bored, but in all honesty I'm afraid he's gonna develop a crush on me. He's not a bad looking kid at all, but I can tell I'm not interested in him like that. I just hope if it comes right down to it he won't stop hanging out with me because I wouldn't want to date him. P: Let's hope he doesn't get into that kind of interest at all. So far I'm not getting any vibes that I shouldn't be trusting him, so let's see....

I'm starting to consider becoming a mute because all guys do is make fun of the way I talk. It's rather discouraging. Earlier I was at Trader Joe's with my mom, and the cashier said something about my Darkwing Duck shirt. I said something like "It's a good one!" so he mocks and copies the way I said it. I honestly wish I gave him the finger but I didn't want to start up any drama. But this is a man at work, he should be keeping it professional so he doesn't offend any paying customers who'd stop coming in if they're going to be treated like that.

Seriously, people, more times than not it's hard for me to talk because I've spent a good sum amount of years keeping quiet. I actually spent a long time constantly stuttering in every sentence I said because I was trying to pick back up on it. So, of course, I'm not going to be perfection out of this. I still make a lot of mistakes while talking, and it actually hurts when I get made fun of out of it. (Of course, there's a selected few I forgive, but there are others I want reading this so they'll just plain know.) Since I'm hurt easily I cry easily, and it just makes things a big mess.

So now people know why I don't seriously talk as much. I can be talkative but I don't overdo it and quickly get back into the quiet phase. It's not that I don't want to reply to what you're saying, it's that I just simply don't know how to say it. My mind's too afraid of messing up so I'd be made fun of all over again. (Wow, lots of people should read this. o______o)

Also, according to my grandpa, I hung out with scary people in Downtown Denver who wore satanic masks. I was told I told him this, even though I never spoke to him of furryism or anything. :D Odd how this is suddenly something that happened even though I just talked to my grandma and confirmed to her that I don't do drugs, drink alcohol or perform satanic rituals with the people I hang out with. LET'S TAKE IT TO THE OPPOSITES.

Also alsoooooooo.... the Dragon Palace in Okami is one of the prettiest parts of the game. It's not the best part, exactly, but it is really pretty. Plus in the end you get fox cocks or something in the end.

Yesterday I kept thinking to myself "Hmmmlol I want to make a video. I don't even know what to say, but I know I wanna make it." still don't know what to say that'll actually sound cool, but this is what I came up with.


So yeah. If you can think of something better I'll say it.... I wanna make a cool video. ]:

WHY ARE MY EYES SHIFTY?! ....Don't ask. And yes, the quality of the sound sucks major ass. I ain't gonna bother trying to fuck around with that.

And despite comments I've already received, Lucario *is* the best Pokemon ever. He ranks up there with Eevee and its evolutions, Absol, Smeargle and..... let's throw in Mightyena or Houndoom.  D:<

< There's something about the couplings of SoKnux and Sonadow that really get me going. Sonic isn't even my top favorite character.

Anyway.

I decided to go with the ringtail character over the snow leopard. :3 Maybe the snow kitty will return when I can come up with a fitting name for her, but for now I keep the other one. This one looks much cuter in those lolita dress things.... gotta practice drawing those. I'm still going with the name Symphony 'cause I really can't think of anything else that'd be fitting, so unless I come up with something better that's what her name is.

I need to get a scanner so I can post this picture I drew, it's actually kinda cute... P: I think I wanna give her lavender and purple markings, simply 'cause I really like those colors. She'll probably have the natural fur color, though, 'cause then I'd really like how it looks... something about mixing up that kind of fur with darker colors makes me really happy. :O

Wanna keep her naked, though, 'cause drawing creative clothes gets hard when you just aren't that creative. D:< She can wear those kinds of dresses as a hobby and not a constant thing.

While we're at it.... wish me luck, I'm supposed to be learning to drive tomorrow. Hopefully.

And I really like this song.... I remember hearing it on the radio a couple years ago, was able to get it on my iPod. C:


AND OMFG. Every time I hear this other song I think of Janga. I also think of Lolo... but that shouldn't even be done. They were never meant to be, no matter how beautiful of a fanfiction is written. But yes. It makes me think of Klonoa Heroes, when Janga kidnapped Lolo for whatever reason.

Everyone knows all Janga's good at is kidnapping girls to feed into his pedophile side and making himself all badass before running away like a coward. Oh, Janga, we love you so.

Noma loves this song. Noma loves Death Cab For Cutie. Noma loves love.

I'm debating about names for my character I want to make, and species, too... debating between a snow leopard and a ringtail.... maybe an African wild dog... (I just know I want something with a long and floofy tail...) all three of those sound really good. I'm gonna hafta draw up their looks with the same kind of style and see which one I like best. Right now I'm thinking of the name Symphony... possibly Amethyst, 'cause that's my birth stone and I just plain like it. If I choose one of the other two then I'll keep the idea of my character Ashes to Roses being an African wild dog.

I do know I want to give her curled hair (like all fancy, not afro.) and a corset-dress-thing. Kinda like one of those loli girls, y'know?

I'm a bit bummed. Was gonna start learning to drive today, but my mom has to work a bit later than expected. I'm sure it'll be the weekend before we can even get started... better than nothing, though, so gotta take what I can get.

Started up playing Portal. It's a bit of a challenge, but I reaaaaaally like the game. Currently on the 15th part and having issues on how to do the level properly. I do know what to do, it's just hard... a bit later I'm gonna search for the extra mouse I have and see if I can't do it better then.

Also should finish up Okami this week... I think when I'm done with it I'll play it again just so I can get all the items I missed out on. The only good characters in the entire series are Amaterasu, Waka and one of the 8 Canine Warriors.... ish a little collie dog. <3 Otherwise the rest of the characters honestly do suck.

Pluuuus.... I got Pokemon Yellow started up. I want to finish that, too, and see if I can get the Mew and Professor Oak glitches to work properly. (Mew glitch being you're able to catch it if done properly... I guess the Professor Oak glitch is talking to one of the bug catchers in Viridian Forest after beating the game or something...)

That was actually one of the really good games, I like the older ones. P: It was easier to get ahold of an Eevee.... but I do like Sapphire for the fact that you can get Absol (Loooooove Absol so much.) and Diamond for Lucario. I want to restart both of those games, too... even though I have really strong Pokemanz in them. @.@ At least with Sapphire I can get the Mightyena I wanted again...

Oh, I thank God I have a lot of stuff to keep me occupied during this time....

I don't know what the hell is up with my stomach but I keep getting really bad tummy aches. Yeah, I did go to the doctor about it... gotta get tests done. o.o; WHOO.

I'd seen this in numerous favorite galleries of many accounts, and so I had to see what's so good about it. I actually do like Robbie Rotten, he's my favorite Lazytown character.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/602957/

Yeah. When I saw it I was like "What the flying fuck? This is actually creepy and funny!" and really have to say it's like the caramell dansen. Once you start watching you can't stop.... or at least the music is something you can't stop listening to.

In the background of this is that freakish Starburst commercial that I loved so much. It's just one of the best I've seen.



This makes me miss Lazytown. XD I can't wait to be able to start watching it again. Total kids show, but they've got awesome music. I'm gonna end up being so creepy when I'm old, I keep getting addicted to kids shows.... I need to re-download the songs and put them on my iPod.. XDD

This song goes out to someone I know and love dearly. :D Even if he doesn't like it.

Let's see. My day starts off with the drag of getting up earlier than I'd prefer for a fuckin' interview at Coldstone Creamery. I kept saying to myself, "I don't even want the job, I just want to advance in life so people will continue to love me." because I'm weird like that, okaaaaaaay? I was having a lovely dream (I think) until I was woken up at 8:30. Then it was a draaaaag getting out of bed...

Anywho. So I'm at the stupid place, I could see there was a fairly sized group of teenagers gathered inside. Was telling myself, "Kara, you haven't got much chance from the looks of it, you should turn around...." but my mom said otherwise. I've been in group interviews before; I don't do well in them at all. There's always the cross-eyed ditz of a girl going "Teehee! I help out the community and feed the homeless and find it AWESOME that I can learn because people in other countries can't learn!" (The last part is true, too... a girl actually did say that.) and so many people with so much to them. I had "I'm homeschooled and don't interact with people much, but I did have a job in Colorado where I did get to work with others...."

Then the best part came up: you have to sing for them. One of their crappy little tunes. That's what I don't like about Coldstone... you'd have to sing if you're given a tip. "You aren't gonna bother with this, even if nobody cares about your voice...."

So I went ahead and handed the dude my sheet of paper when it was my turn and said "I quit. I can't do this." so I was lead to the door and told "I admire your honesty, thank you for being honest!" and that was the end of it.

Never. Again.

So after this my mom decides to take me to the movies, she wanted to see the kids' movie Nim's Island because it has Gerard Butler in it... (We're both fangirls for him, whoo!) yeah, it was a pretty cute movie, but there wasn't much that wasn't expected to happen. Didn't leave much to the imagination because they cleared that up for you.

During the whole movie there's a kid with some sort of family members (Older man and woman) down the row on our isle, and none of them would shut up for like ten minutes. It took six shooshes before the man says "You shut up!" and the woman glares at us.... it was like we committed sin in their eyes. :D

At the end of the movie we see them outside with the dumb kid climbing on a pole. My mom goes ahead and opens up the door to bellow out "Hey! Thanks for ruining the movie by talking throughout all of it!" the dude responded but we didn't catch what he said. We went to the bathroom instead. (Hahaha, the stall I went in brought back memories. :D)

It was such perfect timing when we came out and headed for the car, because they just so happened to drive by. They roll down their window and the woman says "Yeah, real mature!" and helps feed the fire.

My mom says "'Mature'? I have four kids, I taught them each to whisper during movies. You kept talking nonstop during the whole movie."

The man says to grow up. I don't remember what else was said, but I do remember getting the last word in. I said "You act as old as your grandkid!"

Makes it even better because they were probably his parents or something. :D If I honestly cared about being a real adult I would've tried to calm things down instead of going on with it, but being childish is still fun. At least I'm not excessive about it... >_>;

I've also kiiiiiinda made a drawing that I'm sort of proud of, though it isn't anywhere near finished yet. I think I'll have to redo it a couple times 'fore I'm really satisfied with it.

At least I'm able to keep myself occupied for now. I've got schoolwork I'd like to get done, drawing, browsing artwork, watching anime, finishing Okami... I might even finish my two books and pick up the Bible.... but what sucks is once I start up one of these things I get the urge to do something else. It's like I need to multitask or else I feel like... *shrug* like I'm not actually busy or something? Like what I'm doing isn't enough? I don't know how to describe it. I don't remember ever feeling like this up until recently. Maybe it's just a new thing doing so much at once, and having the irresistible urge to finish it all as quickly as possible. I've spent most of my days just chatting on the internet day after day so that's what I've grown into... now I'm rushing myself. n___n

ROOT. FUCKING. BEER. D:<

I've apparently gained a very deep interest in them all of the sudden. I mean, I've always liked them best among felines (Which I don't really care for... I'm REALLY not a cat furson when it comes to real cats. They don't get along with me.) but yeah, I'm suddenly really into them. I do remember when I was younger I'd say to myself "Hmmm, if I was an animal, I think I'd be a snow leopard." but also agreed with myself that I just don't seem feline (Except for my online meowing) and just like being more canine-like. Hence I chose the fox; it's the closest I'll get to being a cat while still having canine qualities. Always drew myself as one, anyway. I think I was also considering a wolf because when I think about them I feel spiritual, but I'm a bit too cartoon-y and playful. ;3

Maybe eventually I'll create an actual side character for myself and make it be a snow leopard. The idea of a pink one really attracts me, looking at the furson Accelo...


Yeah, I don't know what it is about him, but I just really reeeeeeally like him. But yeah, I don't think I'd go with pink if I made it... maybe purple or something. I'd hafta design the character to really know what would look best... >.> designing an African Wild Dog character sounds good right now, too... 'specially since I have one named Ashes to Roses that's yet to go with a look.

Maybe somedaaaaaaaay.

Recently picked up Panic! At the Disco's newest CD titled Pretty. Odd. I'd have to say it lives up to the name, 'cause it is a pretty strange album. It's a good one, nonetheless.

I currently don't know which one I like best, but I do really like She's a Handsome Woman, Northern Downpour, When the Day Met the Night, and the Piano Knows Something I Don't Know. ]: Kinda like this Behind the Sea song I'm currently listening to.

If you care more about the music itself more than its type, I'd suggest that you try checking this out. The band itself likes to have this sort of old/new-aged sound to it.... kinda classical in a sense? Don't really know. It's just catchy, that's all!

See see see. I wanna get a small puppy like this, they're WAY too cute for their own good. Their fat little bellies.... their big round faces... the cute legs.... babies barely ever get away with this sort of cuteness! (Unless they're my niece and nephew. Those kids are seriously just plain adorable, and I don't say that just 'cause I'm their aunt.)



Someone go buy me a puppy like this NAO. D:< Or at least a little Aussie shep pup! T___T

An anime I figured I'd never watch for whatever reason. I've seen numerous pictures from the series, but I thought, "Meh, it must be like another Naruto fad." so I didn't bother with it much.

At least, until Crimson's sister came along. XD

She asked if I've ever seen it, and since I said no she really suggested that I watch it. Since I humor these siblings (EVEN THOUGH MORE TIMES THAN NOT I'M STILL TRYING TO SAY NO XDD) we went ahead and did so. The first episode was really cute, and it got better as it went along. I'm apparently a shoujo girl, I keep falling into these kind of series.

This actually makes me feel really bad because Crimson tried making me watch some anime series, too. xD But it was a little too.... weird and not fully interesting. o.O; It wasn't worth waiting around to see the responses they make after eating bread... >_>

I really like the blond-haired blue-eyed dude of the series Tamaki. It doesn't help that I have a strange thing for guys with those attributes, but it does help that he reminds me of a certain male I know and love. :B Personality-wise, not background-wise. Except this certain male isn't as idiotic, or into the idea of a family... XDD

I also really like the twins Hikaru and Karou, except when their drama is honest. I like their voices and just the way they act, and how they pounce people when they need an outfit change... @__o; It's cute.

Plus, Honey-chan or whatever you want to call him is adorable, too... I'm not into anything that looks or is so young, really, but he's just a really cute character. He's got a cute and fitting voice to him, and his serious side isn't all that bad either.

(Skipping that silent dude and Kyouya or whatever his name is because I don't care for them...)

And I really like Haruhi a lot, too. It's always hard for me to like females from actual series (Except Rouge, Felicia and that KOS-MOS chick....) but she's added onto my list. She's a very serious girl who's self-reliant and intelligent, and she's also sweet and caring without overloading it like most females do. She makes me envious that she's actually able to take care of herself without stress and worries getting the best of her; I long to be like that. I'm tired of feeling like I have to rely on people to get my life in order when it truly isn't necessary. P: She's able to do what she does and feel just fine, and right now I feel like it's a struggle to be like that.

But yah. I'd definitely suggest this series to those who like the more girly stuff, it's just really cute and worth it... I'm really bummed that I finished the series. P<

Rebel's worrying me a little bit because he's needier than usual... >>; Oh well, he looks fine now.

Yeah.

I had a bit of a talk with my mom today, she said I need to really think about moving back to Colorado. With the fact that they're older and they don't approve of certain people I hang out with for God knows why, it might be a hard thing to go with...

I seriously think, though, that if I did it I'd just have more time to be alone. I wouldn't have my mother's yelling, I wouldn't have my sister's bitchy and greedy attitude. My therapist did say the last time I went that it'd be better if I wasn't in this environment.

My mom said I should stay here for a year, get a job, and save up as much money as I can. I honestly cannot stay here for another year, I'm so fucking miserable. It makes it ten times worse with the visits that have been made (Don't take that the wrong way, honey, it's just because I miss you that badly.) I wasn't nearly as depressed in Colorado like I've been here. It wasn't a daily thing like it has been here. I feel so heavy and unmotivated here, but at least I'm still doing my schoolwork...

I was intending to look for a job now, but I don't know if I should. I mean, if I'm really going to move back to Colorado next month, there's no point.... right?

This move has to actually be confirmed, though. I have to write my grandma a letter giving me the final yes or no, letting her know I'm going to want to hang out with my friends if I do go. I may have to make a compromise, but it'd be worth it. I pray dearly to God that He would allow her to have mercy on me and say yes, because if she says no for the final time I'm generally fucked. I don't know what I'd do. I seriously think if she says no and sticks with it I'm going to lose all hope and motivation and just.... I don't know. I'm just plain going to beg when they're out here, I swear...

Ugh, I really hate this time of my life, I feel so fucked over and depressed. I've just been moping and crying all the time for the past few days.... this really isn't worth my mother's happiness, greedy though that may sound.